Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Dear Mr. Skeleton...

Dear Mr. Skeleton,

Are there going to be any more episodes of Ultraskull? I would like it if there were.



Dear Dominininininic,

Thank you for your interest in Ultraskull. Mr. Skeleton is no longer the editor of Ultraskull; he was forced to leave two years ago after obscenity charges were filed against him in relation to one of his other publications, "Young and Hairy". Although the charges were quashed, the Ultraskull comittee felt that in the current moral climate, hounding an innocent man out of his job because of completely unfounded allegations was the only right thing to do.
The editor's position was quickly filled by Greg, assuming a caretaker role until a permanent replacement was found. However, Greg had to leave due to an unexpectedly long hospital stay. We were walking along a canal and he fell in, the silly billy. He can't swim, and I did my best to save him, but the current was too strong for me to reach him. I tried to throw out a long branch for him to hold onto, but in his confusion and panic, he allowed his head to collide with it. I threw him another, but again, he hit himself on the head with it. I found a rope and threw that out to him, but he somehow managed to get that wrapped around his throat, with the other end somehow tethered to a cement block. Luckily an Olympic swimmer was walking by, and he did what I valiantly tried but sadly failed to do. Greg was pulled to safety, but not before he had inhaled several pints of effluent. He was taken swiftly to intensive care where he was pronounced comatose. I stayed with him 24 hours a day, praying for him, reading to him, and just hoping for a sign, any sign. After a few days he responded to several cues, but somehow his life support system got switched off. He is now back in a coma, but the doctors say there is still hope. I am writing this at his bedside. There is still hope Greg. I'll never stop hoping Greg. Be strong.
Anyway, while all that shit was going on, Greg's bank manager tracked me down and started hounding me for cash. Because Greg doesn't have any family, I've ended up being his next of kin, and thereby the 'default guarantor' for his rent payments, bank charges, phone bills and whatever else the daft cunt signed up to. Meanwhile, I had no choice but to assume the editorship, moving from the small stipend awarded to bit-part characters, to an annual salary with a generous benefits package. Under my stewardship Ultraskull will be transformed from a grubby little rag into a monthly A4 format glossy lifestyle magazine, combining news features and reviews with sections dedicated to luxury items, investments and men's fashion. I anticipate that the first of the new look Ultraskull will be out some point in the next decade.
Thank you for your interest in Ultraskull.

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